I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
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