I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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