After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
