i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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