Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Randomize
