If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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