Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
