my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
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