dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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