I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
