...so i touched it.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
