i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Randomize
