So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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