She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
that was a gay-test. you passed.
with flying rainbow colors i hope!
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
lets start a swedish sibling band together
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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