Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Randomize
