I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
