I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
please come you make the beer taste better
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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