What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Randomize
