Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Randomize