Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
