There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
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