She just used a chaser for red wine.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Randomize
