Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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