Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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