It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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