I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
