I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
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