just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
