I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
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