Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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