Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
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