I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
