i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
