I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize