You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
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