What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
