when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize