that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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