When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
When did angry sex become our thing?
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Randomize
