My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Randomize
