Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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