My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Randomize
