The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
We had sex on a dog bed..
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
