i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
where are you?
Hypothermia
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
