I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
