Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Randomize
