We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
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