Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
