My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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