why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Randomize
