Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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