i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
you are never too drunk for berry picking
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
