Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
