He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
