obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
then he tried to convert me to islam
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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