I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Randomize
