Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
