U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize