My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Randomize
