two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Randomize
