I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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